As one of the world’s foremost wypipologists, I have been tasked with addressing the newfound epidemic of Caucasian cop-summoners that just began trending around … oh, I’m going to say it started in 1619, give or take a few days.
That’s correct. None of this shit is new. White people have always loved calling the police. In fact, in newly-unearthed ship logs from the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, researchers have discovered that upon landing in the New World, Christopher Columbus’ first words were:
“Hello 911? I’d like to report some Natives trespassing on the land I just claimed for Spain.”
But instead of dwelling on the past (because someone might mention slavery and make white people upset), I’d like to focus on the future. Because of all the shit they did in the past, wypipo have a great affinity for the future. If you don’t believe me, read the transcript of any Caucasian apology and I’m willing to bet that it says something about “moving forward.”
According to a 2016 Harvard University study I’m making up at this exact moment, 89.4 percent of all white people’s apologies contain the words “moving forward.” For them, “moving forward” is the equivalent of black people’s “Why you always bringing up old shit?”
Anyway, wypipo, although it is encoded in your DNA to dial a nine, a one and just wait for a nigga to do something, I’d like to suggest an alternative. I propose a five-step process that every white person should consider before calling the police on a black person.