‘Leaders who err too much on the side of belonging often fail to hold team members consistently accountable and too easily play favorites,’ said Michael F. Broom, Pd.D.
BY MICHAEL F. BROOM, Ph.D. | CEO, Center for Human Systems
Human beings have two seemingly opposing and powerful pulls: to be a part of and to be apart from. To be a part of what we long to belong. We want to belong to groups of others that accept, appreciate and support us.
In fact, we only survive and thrive in communities with others. Accordingly, we have strong tendencies to please and conform to our communities in many ways, including how we dress and the way we think and believe.
On the other hand, we have immense pride in our individual identities that make us distinct and apart from others. Our primary consciousness is that of being an individual, even in a collectivist culture. We value our autonomy to think and believe as we wish, even when we sometimes must suppress it.
This paradox is particularly sharp for leaders who are a part of the teams they lead and are apart from them in their singular role as leaders. I have worked with leaders who have erred on either side of this dilemma.
Leaders who err too much on the side of belonging often fail to hold team members consistently accountable and too easily play favorites. Leaders of a team where they were once just a member can struggle if some were/are considered friends. Such disparate treatment of team members leads quickly to team discord.
On the other hand, leaders who overly identify with the role of leader as distinct from team members can lean too far apart from their team members. There are benefits to maintaining some distance from followers, including avoiding the accountability and favoritism difficulties.
Too much distance, however, can exacerbate people’s reticence about communicating with authority figures. I’ve worked with too many leaders with difficulties stemming from being out of touch with problematic team issues.
They saw themselves as leaders but not as a team member. It is impossible to lead a team in which you do not see yourself as a member. An us-and-them dynamic is created, which will cause all sorts of communication problems.
Negotiating an effective balance between being a part of and apart from a team is a crucial skill for leaders. This balance is essential for ensuring that you (1) are approachable and relatable to ensure effective relationships and communication flow and (2) maintain the authority and perspective you need to guide and support your team.
Here are four strategies that you can use to strike this balance:
Build relationships with clear boundaries
Take the time to build open relationships with your team members. This involves engaging in informal conversations showing genuine curiosity about, interest in and appreciation for their lives. This helps you to be seen as a part of the team.
At the same time, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries that maintain your leadership role. This includes maintaining a certain level of professionalism in interactions and avoiding getting too involved in personal matters of team members.
It’s okay to listen to the personal issues of your people, but do not get involved in helping them resolve such issues. Also, be sure to limit time listening to personal problems so that productivity is not compromised.
Clarify friendship requirements
Back in the days when I was a leader, I had friends who reported to me with no difficulty. I have worked with several clients who were having problems with friends as subordinates. The difference was my clarity that a friend would help my job as a leader be easier, not make it more difficult.
As my clients clarified such personal boundaries for themselves, they found themselves revising, sometimes dramatically, who was a friend and who wasn’t. From there, their issues leading with friends dissipated.
Be fair; no favorites
You must provide every team member with the opportunities to succeed. Have no favorites regarding who has access to your time and support, to resources, to important projects, and to promotions.
Be sure that your criteria for doling out advantages are known to all and available to all. For example, if attending conferences is a reward for high performance, ensure everyone is clear about the criteria you use to judge performance.
Make open communication a performance standard
It is vital to create an environment where team members will voice their opinions and concerns. Even when it may feel comfortable, your behavior must lead the way through effective listening and non-punitive responses.
Actively seek feedback and be open to constructive criticism. This will make it easier for your team to support you in adhering to these strategies. You are human and can use the support, particularly when you don’t want it.
We all get caught up occasionally when our need to belong seems to conflict with our need to be the individual we are. Such conflicts are part of being a human being.
By integrating the strategies discussed, we can strike a balance between being a part of our teams while also maintaining the necessary distance to effectively guide and support our teams and ourselves so that all can win.
Michael Broom is an organizational psychologist with 45 years of experience with various people and organizations. Formerly of Johns Hopkins University, he is a Lifetime Achievement Award honoree of the OD Network and the author of “The Infinite Organization” and “Power, The Infinite Game.”
Contact Dr. Broom for a free hour consultation at chumans.com. You’ll be surprised at the difference a single hour can make! Email him at michael@chumans.com for more info.
